Portable — Super Keegan 9100

Imagine owning a Super Keegan 9100. Your first week is bliss: heated rollers massage your calves as binaural beats (labeled “Serenity Wave 3.0”) pulse from headrest speakers. By week two, the “Auto-Scent” cartridge (a $49.99 subscription) runs out of “Mountain Mist” fragrance. You order “Sandalwood Ember.” The machine rejects it. Error 47: Cartridge DNA mismatch . You spend a Saturday on hold with Keegan customer support, listening to a recording of the 9100’s own “Ocean Depths” loop.